No, I wasn’t meant to love and be loved.
If I’d lived longer, I would have waited longer.
Knowing you are faithless keeps me alive and hungry.
Knowing you faithful would kill me with joy.
Mirza Asadullah Khan Ghalib, trans. Vijay Seshadri (full text at Make Bright The Sparrows)
I’m hurtling, I’m hurtling underground
and thinking of your still sweet head
all messed up
on the pillowcase
and I’m so far away from it
might be with her.
we’ll remember this time
always one of us watching through the night
while the other slept.
“Betrayals during wartime are nothing compared to betrayals during peace. New lovers are nervous and tender but smash everything. For the heart is an organ of fire.”
Count Laszlo de Almásy (The English Patient)
I’ve never seen The English Patient, is it any good?
Today, I just want to curl up next to someone and know that we won’t hurt each other.
I’ve come home to focus on quieter and more thoughtful things. Life essentials. Family and food,reading and learning, sleeping and health. To try and be more good. Balanced, patient, peaceful.
And deep down, it seems that maybe I’m not ready for that, because the first book I chose at the libary was Casanova: or the Art of Happiness. And of course I have fallen In Love with the scoundrel, and his joy in the moment and delight in turning unknown situations to his advantage through sheer force of charm. Somehow he, and his lovers, seem to just choose to take the pleasure and refuse to feel any pain at its end or loss.
I don’t know that I could ever be like that, but I would like more adventures. This is having a somewhat shambolic effect on all my previous good intentions.
After years galavanting across Europe freely,bouncing between riches and poverty, Casanova ended his years as a librarian in a Bohemian castle, warding off his boredom by writing a 12 volume history of his exploits. Below is a quote on this time from the book I’m reading, that made me cry a little:
Casanova does not draw up a catalogue of his beauties. He does not love all women, he loves one woman at a time, each for her uniqueness. He does not count or enumerate them on a cold list of conquest, or a sinister hunter’s log. He remembers them with emotion. Their charms seem to be affecting him again. From a distance, through the passage of time, and sometimes beyond death, the memories of the women he loved remain intact within him. We sense the artist ready to surrender to his model. What would the old man not give to see one of them escape alive ffrom his pages and join him in his sad exile!
After having desired and loved them, Casanova puts his lovers tenderly to rest on the page. It is his way of being faithful to them forever. The inconstant lover gives his lovers immortality.
P&P are a sign of the Internet eating itself. Lorenzo Papce and Vincent Pianina are two very funny clever French boys who poke fun at fashion bloggers, essentially. But they do it very creatively, and with a sense of mischief without being mean.
Their latest project is the cherry on the cake. First see the video here, from well known street photographer Garance Doré – summing up a month of globe trotting with Vogue editors, swanky hotels, gorgeous clothes, charming people, all set to tinkly ‘What A Wonderful World’. It’s very pretty and endearing, and is liable to make non-saintly people slightly green with envy.
Now, P&P’s version:
I was screaming with laughter all through this – completely in awe of the lengths the boys went to, recreating every shot with a sly tease and cheeky smile. Their comic timing is spot on – and their timing in general – it totally matches up! Mostly, they look like they’re having so much fun. It’s a bit of a celebration of not being high-fashion and a great reminder to keep laughing and not to get caught up in it all.
The lyrics below are my life since Sunday. Sort of mildly confused and frustrated and not really that bothered, but with the nagging need to know WHY.
Why you didn’t call me?
I waited for days
I can’t believe you didn’t call.
A. You’re gay
B. You’ve got a girlfriend
C. You kinda thought I came on too strong or
D. I just wasn’t your thing
When we sat outside for an hour at the party and talked
I thought something good could be starting
It’s not a lot that I want
just some talking
and really, you just injured my pride
‘Hey Boy’ – The Blow
It’s just – I had the pinkest, girliest night imaginable on Saturday, so was kind of looking forward to some snarky boy conversation. Le sigh. I am super thankful for all the friends that said ‘leave it!’ and ‘NEXT!’ and even ‘not being yoked to a situation has e-nor-mous benefits‘.
With the idea of non-romance. Just… honesty, and bumping shoulders, and not letting each other get cold.
Is it a bad sign that I don’t expect anything epic to happen ever again? Or even mind about it? Maybe we each get a limited amount of emotion for our lifetime (like eggs and sperm – I think that’s how it works?) and I already burned through all mine.
You know you’re getting comfortable with a guy when the big goodbye is approaching and you go out for a farewell breakfast, all big-eyes and unable to look away, aware of every second passing, and you end up ordering… this:
(If you click to enlarge you can practically taste it…)
I get ridiculously melancholy sometimes. It’s in my nature – my parents, normally so sensible, gave me the same name as a great-great-aunt who was jilted by the gentleman she was supposed to marry, and died of a broken heart. Obviously, I’ve never made it quite that far, but I’m pretty expert at spending a whole shoegazer album lying on the couch with a box of tissues. And even as a child, I always thought that if a book made you cry, it was worth something more.
I am pretty sure this is a LOSER way to be!
Recently, I’ve seen several friends have come out of relationships with such grace, dignity and optimism. I’m totally in awe. Being excessively sad doesn’t make things better and it doesn’t mean what was lost was worth something more. (I know this isn’t big news to anyone else.)
So here are my goals for the next month:
1. Do not talk about (my) crushes/love/romance.
2. Stop swearing.
3. Do not think about (my) crushes/love/romance.
It doesn’t mean I can’t have feelings or even dates, but I’m not to dwell on them. Until 12 December! Hopefully #3 will stem from #1. It’s REVOLUTIONARY for a girl like me (except for the swearing, until recently I was quite a princess when it came to speaking proper, and I hate that I’ve descended into sailor-talk in the past two years). I haven’t been non-dreamy over boys since I was about 12,almost half my life. It is definitely time for Time Out.